Bear Sex

Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over...Even though he felt sore for two weeks,
Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake,
Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply... Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there...
The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Sexist

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die!" Then she yells, " Well if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! I have had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Well, I've had it. Is there anyone who can?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.
Then a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman", he purrs. He is gorgeous. Tall, tanned, well built, with long flowing black hair and dark eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her. He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Condoms

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.". "Oh I see", replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks," Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys." One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for? "Those are for college men", The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There is three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

New Drugs

NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN

With Viagara such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society..
Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favourite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagara. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagara.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

A Dying Man

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you f#*k off."

Birds and the Bee's

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really f#*k, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Going to Heaven

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship, they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St.Peter shook his head sadly, "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy, "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Lesbian

An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."
A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding around the small town area when a police officer on a horse rode up to him. "Hello there young man, did you get that bike from Santa Clause?" Johnny was very proud of his bike and replied with a smile "why yes I did" The officer was not a very jolly man and said, "My son, you do not have any reflector lights on that pretty bike of yours, I am going to have to write you a citation. Next time you might want to tell Santa that if he gives you a new bike ever again, he might want to put reflector lights on it!" Little Johnny was quite upset and replied back, "Hey officer, did Santa give you that horse for Christmas?" The officer thought that this was humorous, so he thought he would play along, "Why yes he did". Johnny then said to him, "Well next time why don't you tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom rather than the top of the horse!"

Men's Sex drive

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" he asked. But the Lord was very adamant, and that was all man could have. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years," he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed. Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could. Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years, but like the others, ten was sufficient, and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey agreed. This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

Mum

One day mum was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him,
" Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said,
"Well I don't think you should spank him" !

Mum and Dad

A little kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and says," Mom, the last few nights I have woken up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and I look to see what it is, you're sitting on daddy and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"
The mother says, "Your dad is a little fat and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out." The little kid says "Mom you're wasting your time." Mom says "Why?" and the kid says," Because once a week the pretty lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!!

Grab my Breasts

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for a refund and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Nuns

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door that reads SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answer " I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long black habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs "Please put $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets out $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

What I've Learned in Life